yesterday i wrote adam an email titled "if there is a tumor in the anterior love, what space could it eventually occupy?" was actually supposed to be anterior lobe, but noticed too late.

i don't think i am feeling anything really. he has not left yet so i have not completely hurt yet. i mean i am hurting but with him still around it does not quite feel real yet. there is a feeling of finality stepping out of the bathtub or driving to work, but at night i can still feel his warmth through the quilts and when he sleeps he unknowingly throws an arm over me.

hate sharing laughter and moments, we are still sharing laughter and moments, and suddenly feeling a panic of this is the last and it is ending ending ending.

hate feeling like he still loves me, like there's still too much right to call it all wrong. hate that when i asked him if there was anything i could say to make him change his mind he said "i don't know" instead of "no."

i am losing him. i have lost him. i don't know, i have gone about things all wrong. everything feels all wrong.

highs and lows. high low high low. it's pretty good now it's just that i think about things sometimes. i mean i guess it's pretty good. i have a lot of needs that aren't being met and there's no communication between us to voice that and wow i really hate it when things start sounding like psychology 101. it seems like the answer would be clear. i go back and read a little self content with being alone and maybe if he hadn't come back it wouldn't hurt so much if he were to leave again. that doesn't make sense like that but it's the leaving and the goodbye and the house with no other voice that's the worst part of it. sometimes there are other considerations and maybes and what should i do's. we put on a face of it being good which means me pretending like everything that bothers me doesn't bother me and i try to appease him as much as possible. or as much as i can let myself. i don't do everything but i can't say there aren't annoyances. and i dont know what to think about the other about if i trust him. yes and no i guess. i think it's an untrustworthy way to go about things if it is an issue that i should trust him on.

my brother's advice to me was to act like you just don't care and i've been doing just that. it's working i suppose, but what it is is just acting. it's just that i don't know what i want really. what to expect, etc, basically it's been the same state since day one there's no new complaints i don't think. i'd rather put periods at the end of my thoughts instead of the ends of my sentences i think i'm going to try doing that just now. but anyway what i'm thinking about is the future and there's no long term thoughts for us at least not that i know of or i can't make any because. i don't know why i guess if he isn't seeing a long term then i can't let myself see the long term that i want to see. i mean i can't let myself dream about what may be's because god my heart hurt a lot this summer. i didn't realize how much my heart was hurt until i was sitting in the parking lot before work deleting text messages from my cell phone and i couldn't bring myself to read the little nonchalant ones that he sent like nothing was wrong. like we weren't apart like something hadn't changed. i mean i guess there's something to not seeing a long term not making plans living your life day to day yeah there's a beauty to it but maybe just theoretical or you know, maybe i just need to know.

at joann's i fell in love with a plaid. i put it back because i spent more than i should have on his birthday present.

friday ann and i are going to the sc special libraries association conference in spartanburg we're leaving at 7 i think.

i hate that my yahoo mail constantly says that i have one unheard voicemail i really hate that.