part conversation, dimming

we lie bedded at opposite ends you reaching for my heel i kick it up near your heart. your feet crossed in the crook of my elbow, socks wearing thin. the square inches of you and holding our weight the bed cries more, more. everything laid upon. and here i pressed my fingertips against my heavy eyes. i pondered the word satchel and that there would be memories of your red shirt waiting, perhaps forever. our thoughts for each other dim. there seems to be no answer to a question coming slowly. and that's what it's like only ten times brighter, only ten times more horrible.

focusing my attention elsewhere is really the best idea. it is best not to let it sit and stew. i thought about inserting something about a toaster and a crock pot but left it.

i am ready for the gym in the morning. maybe that is what the answer is.

i am going to sew a dress i am going to run miles and miles i am going to sweep the floors i am going to read a book.

haha i'm so tired of writing this.

really it's that i think he has this great genius inside of him that i want to be a part of and i am scared of being away from and missing it. and really i want to hug him and be kind in a way he will never allow me to do.

i really think he is something but i can't make all the pieces fit.

an exercise in i's

i drank too much last night. i drank too much last week. i have drink drank drunk more over the course of this week than i have over the course of any other week. except for the morning i threw up in the parking lot of mcdonalds in ruston. it was on a hill and made a stream.

i think it is because i think he loves me when he is drinking. when i am drinking with him.

ok i don't really think he loves me at all. or not how i want. or maybe that's not true at all.

i think i am in love with making it complicated.

sometimes i find i am saying i wish it was like this always. and then it is morning.

i have to get a toothbrush.

i am so afraid of everything being mediocre like this. also i want to be passionate about something besides what concerns my heart.

last night was an exercise in exhibitionism.

i don't really know what i want for myself right now. i mean essentially. i think i mean essentially.

i liked it when we held hands.

i couldn't bring myself to make a decision over purses so i got them all.

some days i feel this way some days i feel that.

i have put myself in a situation.

i want to write someone a letter and tell them how stupid i have been but i can't think of anyone who would want it.

i wonder what the mistake would be.

i am in the passenger seat annoyed when he honks at girls standing on the corner of five points.

i'm going to do a photo dump on flickr.

i am a little uneasy.

september 15, 2006

oh, i don't know. i feel i should read about marie curie.

today a woman from new orleans came into the store. she talked to me for an hour at least. well at least you have each other i said. i really do not know what to say to people who are about to cry. thank you for talking with me she said as she bought lavender candles.

the columbia chamber of commerce is sending me a relocation package. this is in exchange for a $13.95 charge to my credit card. my mom feels that if the columbia chamber of commerce does not send me a package before we leave then our trip will be virtually impossible. we must know what the columbia chamber of commerce has to say. she has a lot of faith in the columbia chamber of commerce. for the past three days it has been please call the columbia chamber of commerce.

it almost feels like you were never here. i mean it was so long ago wasnt it? except when i wake up in the mornings and when i'm supposedly crying because claire fisher's high and david gayly got beat up. i haven't seen you in such a long time vs. how can i possibly watch inxs now.

i keep walking into rooms and forgetting what i'm doing there. i am constantly entering and reentering until i have finally remembered oh i was looking for my purse and oh i wanted a glass of tea.

and now suddenly it is raining.

and now suddenly it has stopped.

you left tuesday, but it has already been 2,000 tuesdays in my strained little head. my strained little heart.

i guess i will read lullabies on the internet.

adam came back last... well, i don't know... a week ago i believe. yes it was because i had to work 4 hours wednesday, and here i am working 4 hours wednesday again. we went to fayetteville last weekend. i ate a quesadilla at south of the border. also, we saw little miss sunshine monday.

some things are as they should be and others are as they are.

i feel like i should be making something right now. i think i will cut fabric when i get home.

i got my roller skates in the mail.

we will be at the beach next week with my parents!

THINGS TO DO BEFORE LEAVING
listen to online lectures
get keys made
keys to jennifer
pack
clean house
power bill
buy books for 770
submit 770 project
cut pieces for orange plaid dress
print directions
practice rollerskating

i wonder how my bank account is doing.

maybe i won't start the dress after all.

i ate a lot of watermelon today

and titles like Before the Flower of Friendship Faded Friendship Faded and A Valentine to Sherwood Anderson