today i baked chocolate chip cookies for my new neighbor and put them on her doorstep in an orange gift bag along with a candle and a room spray and a note saying welcome to being my neighbor, etc. she knocked on my door and said thank you and we went through introductions at last. i also found out why my internet connection hasn't been much of a connection at all.
saturday i cried and then decided not to think about anything so i stopped. i went to ann's house and we ate at el burrito and had beer and it was still too early so we drove around and then walked up and down gervais looking into the windows of stores and then went to the art bar. she pointed out a boy with sideburns glancing at me and said i don't know about this rachael i am used to being the cute one and i said i'm not used to it and don't think i am with her halo of golden hair and sad blue eyes next to me, how could i be. i am oblivious to glances and never know unless it is blatant, but also at this moment i am not caring and don't want to think about it i am far too sad and it is far too soon with my heart still feeling involved. bald cynical hipster extraordinaire struck up conversation with ann and his name was jon but i don't know i just kept thinking his name was bob because he seemed like a bob, but bob is the name of her ex. i didn't really want to talk to anyone and he said i was very zen on planet rachael and i just smiled and nodded and stared away while they talked about local galleries and art and over the music i couldnt really hear anyway. the bartender reminded me of someone i knew the way his smile was all in the corners of his mouth and the guy on the other side of me smelled of body odor and eventually the smoke was burning my eyes. ann went to the restroom and i felt as if i had to talk in her absence so we meanly made fun of plastic faced girls with botoxed foreheads across the bar. someone passing ran a cigarette across my back and it burned but i didn't mind, i didn't feel it much, like a sleepy mosquito or a lazy bee. it was crowded so we got up, the three of us, and listened to the band for a while and the black light showed all the lint on my black dress which i mistook for chips of paint wondering where they came from. ann and i left and walked to her car in the rain and my hair curled in the back a little. we ate leftover chips and spinach dip and the rain came down harder when i jumped out of her car and into my own.
i went home and it was empty but i was ok and i went to sleep but adam messaged me and it read 'i miss you' and twice it sent and then i cried, a little.