[29 Mar 2005|11:48pm]

pictures of the flowers you sent are here. those are the ones i got before my flash died. it's been resurrected since.

i don't like this picture of my face, but it reminds me of something i'm not sure of so i find it interesting. there is something about looking into your own face. maybe that is why i am always taking these pictures in bathroom mirrors.

the azaleas are blooming. i miss you a lot.

It's wonderful the way this city turns serenely into
country with no fuss, the city is shed, or is it the
other way around, the country falls off into the city?
It was how I wanted us to shed our other lives at least
when we were together
In that yard you made me feel our situation was
intolerable
We seemed to be in constant pain
When we parted at the small airport early that morning
my heart finally ripped
-anne waldeman

[18 Mar 2005|11:49pm]

fantasy parade
curliqued daydreams

carefully noting the commas in your voice

mental images:
pink toes
dark hair
tear stained face
a smile in your ear
brushing your shoulder

selfish love
jealous love
i don't know what you think
i don't know what you feel
i am guessing
i am not speaking

my conscience is lacking
throwing a book from a window

we are all conspirators
living our lives in secrets unbreathed
and plotting demise or to advantage
our own selfish means

we are capable of our own destruction
but who is responsible?

short dark hair
suicide lace
icons of womanhood
the virgin whore
the breast of christ
stone walls and fevers
visions
love
lack of love
lavender sleep
breakfast honey
smells and tastes and all the senses

my darling my darling
we have eaten on sidewalks
we have talked on corners
sometimes you held my hand
a lyrical sense of movement
the magic of ephemera
infinitely so
i can't stop thinking about you
it's been so long
it will be so long

no illusions no projections
will always be a lie

i am disillusioned
my fantasies are only that

perhaps i am unfair
i want to take hold of your heart

i'm sick of myself
sometimes you make me feel that way
are we nothing but pests of the world
festering in its wound

breathing
crying
laughing
kissing
loving
working
fucking
sleeping
losing
dying
there is no room for so many things

my life is lacking semicolons

what will you make of me
when will you go
how will our chords progress
i cannot play your song by ear
we have made no promises

the feeling when we first part
the first minute of loneliness
airport sadness
then going about the day

i will be an old lady in a green coat

my mom used to sing to me
you are my sunshine
and i took selfish pride in being that sun
and tried to shine for her
but you tell me i am cloudy
and maybe time has weathered me
but i do not feel it
at times i do not feel anything
but mostly i feel too much
do you understand where the contradictions lie?

[07 Mar 2005|11:50pm]

I don't know why I should update, I don't know why you ask me to update, but here, this is an update and too many commas. I really have nothing to say so this entry will be worse than the stupid entry before it and even the one before that. Every entry will be worse and worse until finally a train crash of entries.

However, I am in no position to argue.

I am tired of sounding so blah blah blah I should die blah blah blah my head is fucked blah blah blah and the dramatics. It is the same as every other girl. I am the same, the same, the same. Except they all giggle and I hate them. Secretly I am always admiring and hating every other girl.

Today I read Anne Waldman's poem, Our Past, and it seems, perhaps, prophetic of what this could be, how this could turn out, and even how this has been. Where is this going, really? And when you left last time why did it hurt like that? It's never hurt like that.
I always leave a trail of unspoken words around you.

And I ran across these things I'd written for you, the things I'd thought of sending for your birthday with lines like you were the one thing i wanted more than anything at that moment and sex is always about throwing things on the floor. And there's I had never been to DC before, but now it will always be about you and about wanting an orange for breakfast or strawberries and cream even. And all these little lines that are somehow sweet and somehow never allowed to be said. And there was a journal entry from October 7th 2004 that went adam's in new york and staying up all night and i am just worrying and worrying and worrying. i want to kiss his forehead and ask him if he's ok if he's ok if he's ok over and over, but instead i sit and wait for him to call and when he does he tells me he hurts and to just keep talking and he's quiet and i don't know what to say so i talk about things like which records i listened to yesterday and about magazines i like to read when really i just want him to know how in love with him i am and how he is so many things.

This is the same shit as always. This is nothing new.

[05 Mar 2005|12:22pm]

my life now is so not what it used to be
but i am still what i used to be and it is
sometimes very uncomfortable.

i am going out most nights but most nights
i want to be home. and the girls i go out
with are the pretty girls and i have never
grown out of the high school ranking system
and i don't feel that i belong.

there have been too many cigarettes and too
many blackouts and too many throwing ups in
mcdonalds parking lots and too many scrubbing
stains from my coats and shoes.

last weekend i danced with a blind boy and
thought about falling in love with him.
falling in love now seems so much like a
concious decision and something not involving
my heart very much at all. but really that is
nonsense and every morning i dream about the one
who loves me and who i also love and we both
love and i don't have to ask him any questions
about it except for fun and for lollings
in sunshine morning beds.

but instead i have my half formed love affairs
which are the red headed step children of love
affairs and noone loves anyone equally or else
they are too afraid to and it is nothing but
hurt and questions all the time.

[03 Mar 2005|05:52pm]

Have you ever:
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(_) kissed a member of the same sex
(_) crashed a friend's car
(_) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
( ) been dumped
( ) been fired or laid off
(_) been in a fist fight
(_) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
(_) ever dated someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) bought a pair of $1 earrings
(_) celebrated new years in time square
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(_) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(x) cut myself on purpose
(x) been married
(x) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(_) seen someone die.
(_) been to Africa.
(_) Punched a friend
(_) Been to Canada
(_) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) Eaten Sushi
(_) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(x) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(_) been in an abusive relationship
( ) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(_) lost a child
(x) gone to college
(x) graduated college
(_) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers (prescribed)
(x) love someone or miss someone right now